Well, I've always been a trendsetter!

So here it is, the world's first "web-based log," or "blog" as it were

Dear friends, well-wishers, indifferent fellow-citizens, and outright antagonists.

So, it’s come to this.

No, you know what — that’s unnecessarily uncharitable, and consarnit if I have to be uncharitable, let it only be when necessary. In actual fact, though this year has been something of an extinction event for comedians like me, what with its illegal audiences and… well, that’s for sure the biggest thing, the illegal audiences… if this were purely an entrepreneurial-type cash grab 1) I’d like to think it would have occurred to me sooner than ten months in and 2) I’d probably have opted for something a little bit more lucrative than a Canadian author-comedian’s Substack page, like, say, wandering the city at random with hands outstretched waiting for people who’ve only just remembered that pennies have been taken out of circulation to angrily throw them out of their windows and into my waiting palms. The fools!!! (But wait, you ask: even in this comic hypothetical scenario, what am I getting out of collecting out-of-circulation pennies? One word, my good man: VOLUME!)

What actually happened was that, today, I jotted down a few paragraphs about a news story that had been itching at the insides of my head and chest in a way that could only be relieved by my setting down the argument I was winning in my mind for digital posterity. And it reminded me how much I love sorting through an idea in that way, and how much — while we wait for comics and crowds alike to be vaccinated — I miss being able to do it out loud, on stand-up comedy shows, in packed rooms full of sweaty, irritable people.

I’ve also been taking classes this fall at the Vancouver School of Theology (I know, that kind of came out of nowhere, right? We can talk about how your favourite stand-up comedy Marxist-Onanist found himself in that position later), and have been appreciating, for the same reason, the chance to write essays and, thanks to our dystopian Zoom year, crack wise in the chat thread.

All of which leads us to this: my attempt to join the Substack hordes. What’s the idea? Basically: I’d like to try, whilst I’m mothballed from making my living as a comic, to supplement my Shredded Wheat habit by doing the stuff I feel like, for better and mostly for worse, I’m made to be doing: writing essays, doing book and film reviews (it’ll be on old stuff, mostly, given the current circumstances), and offering you a glimpse of my joke-book notes — in other words, for a small fee, I will be writing for you, in multiple genres, several times a week, and letting you see the part of a comedian’s process that takes place before we normally get to step on-stage, since that’s the part we can’t safely do right now.

How small a fee? The smallest this website would let me do. They literally wouldn’t let me ask for less than $5 a month (Canadian), but I have set the annual subscription rate at $50, which, having a daughter in elementary school, I feel confident in asserting is a savings of $12. You also have the option of signing on as a “Founding Member,” for more money — if you do that very generous thing, you will have not only my thanks and appreciation, but also, when live shows begin again, you’ll be guest-listed for any public comedy shows I do in your town.

I’m starting out with the mailing list that I have been using for the past few months from my Gmail account. If at any point, including right now, you find this to be an imposition, please unsubscribe and accept my genuine and embarrassed apologies. If you have a friend you think might enjoy reading what I’m offering, please let them know about this newsletter. Please take care of yourselves and of each other (from a safe distance) during these very dark and difficult times, while keeping your eyes on the very hopeful news about the vaccinations becoming available. If you’re still stuck on holiday gift ideas, may I recommend Primary Obsessions by Charles Demers? That’s it for now, so long — and may God have mercy on us all (theology!).